There’s No Place Like Home, There’s No Place Like Home…


You step into an acquaintance’s house for the first time, and discover that everything — from the furniture, to the books, to the art on the wall — is identical to your home. What happens next?

  1. Suddenly realize what they really mean when they say it’s a good thing to get plenty of sleep each night.
  2. Schedule an appointment for a CT scan as well as with an ophthalmologist, psychiatrist, podiatrist, horticulturalist, roofer, hypnotist, and hair dresser (not necessarily in that order, or for the same reason).
  3. Enroll in an interior decorating class. Immediately.
  4. Before leaving, look to see if the handle on their bedroom window is also broken.
  5. Discuss whether we should keep the coat tree in the hall or move it next to the front door.
  6. Tell them, “No, that’s OK, I know where it is,” when they start to tell me how to find the bathroom.
  7. Be completely shocked that they have only wholesome, healthy food in the fridge and pantry.
  8. Envy the fact their pet’s nickname is not “barfy cat” (obviously, by the looks of their unstained carpets).
  9. Curse the antique dealer that swore the pine secretary was “a one of a kind find.”
  10. Wonder if the chip on the edge of the dining room table is perhaps a design flaw rather than result of bashing the vacuum into it last year.
  11. Be simply amazed they are able to keep their books in alpha order by author and title (and then be surprised to discover, since you can see it there quite plainly in the place where it ought to be, that your sister did return your copy of “1999 Pushcart Prize XXIII: Best of the Small Press,” like she repeatedly said she did. Not that you were actually missing it).
  12. Ask how they managed to get the couch cover to stay tucked in under the cushions like that (“We don’t use the couch like a trampoline.”)
  13. Write it off as a genetic anomaly that they ended up with enough room in their back yard to build a work studio.
  14. Reassure them that internet/TV cables and cords poking out in all directions from behind the console you both took an entire day assembling (and ending up with cabinet doors that won’t completely close) cannot be seen by anyone but yourselves.
  15. Get down on the floor and reach under the desk to find the nephew’s favorite toy (“Oh! You found it!” Your doppelganger will be so grateful you remembered to look).
  16. Freak out when you realize you have the same nephew.
  17. Swear to stop watching/reading creepy sci-fi or The Wizard of Oz just before bed (…and you were there, and you, and you…!).

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