#1: There was a robot who could not, for the life of him, leave a stone unturned. His programmers had been shot by a jealous husband in the middle of writing the his program. None of the programmers were the actual target of the husband’s rage, but that all seemed moot at this point. Having no choice, the robot walked out of the lab and into the world in search of (program incomplete) under a stone. Or, was that, “no phone unheard?”
#2 “I said, the text went, ‘I heard it on the grapevine, Love Siri.”
“Why did your phone send you a text?”
“I don’t fuckin know…”
“Did you ask her one of your stupid questions?”
“I don’t ask my phone stupid questions.”
“OH? Like, all the time!”
“Like, the time you said, ‘Hey Siri, what kind of grapes grow on vines? Like, what’d she say?”
“Uh, something like, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand vines grow on grapes,’ or some shit like that…Fuck! She sent it again!”
” ‘I hear it on the grapevine’ !”
“Are you planning on no longer being hers?”
“Wha…? Wait…she just text’d, ‘Let ’em eat cake.’ Who’s supposed to eat cake?”
#3: ET sat quietly staring at a slice of cake in his hand.
“Phone home,” ET instructed the piece of cake. He waited. After a while, he instructed the piece of cake again to ‘phone home,’ but nothing happened.
His forefinger glowing, he stretched out his hand to Gertie and said, “Phone home!”
“You eat cake, silly. That’s not a phone,” and she took a piece of the cake from ET’s hand and ate it.
“Is it ringing?” asked ET.
“NOTHING is ringing, dammit, that’s the problem!” the research brain surgeon snapped.
“Then you’ve got to take the anecdote!” his assistant cried.
“Oh, sorry…the antiseptic!”
“What the hell …”
“The remedy, I don’t know, what do you call it, the… the… Antidepressant!”
“Oh, for God sakes…”
“What? Seriously, how can you refuse to even take a taste of your own medicine?”